managerness

so this is what it means to be in charge.
ok, i've been responsible for almost everything
several times in fact,
but this is the first time i've been the
one in charge instead of
the one who gets things done.

yeah of course it's scary,
but at the same time i feel
like i've gotten ready for this
my whole life.
which is sad if you really think about it,
but most lives are, frankly.

listness

did i ever mention craig's list is great?
5 responces within 4 hours!

a whole month,almost

it's been almost a month since i posted.
busy times are un[posted times.
they still are.

over but not out

well amy and i are done.
when all is said and done
it looks like the cost of that relationship will be;
my freaks shirt, 7 bucks from being shortchanged,
and, as usual, a piece of my heart.
i need a break from this dating stuff.
each time there is less of me,
and maybe i should have some fun before
all of me is gone.
accomplishing something would be good.
either way it's me time.
maybe i can even get some of me back.
something to think about

well that was abrupt

without telling me she had decided,
ami now considers herself single and looking.
this is the point where i am supposed to do
some screaming and gnashing my teeth.
i'm just too tired. if that's what she wants
then that's the way of it.
i just need my money and my stuff back.
this whole dating thing, committing myself again,
and then having the door slammed in my face.
i need a break. the song about 'do the punishment but you can't commit the sin'
keeps running through my head.
enough of that.
me and my friends,be centered on that.
the other just brings so much turmoil.
yeah,the mutterings of a dumped man.
that doesn't make it less true.
concentrate on me, and the end of the day me can't dump me,
so like it or lump it 'we' can be counted on. enough.
eat food,chop wood. reach enlightenment. eat food. chop wood.

ow ow ow

so some ^$#^$^$&$ had emailed ami,
and accused me of cheating.
helpless?yeah.
hopeless? maybe.
what can i do?
it is hard to prove one is innocent,albeit stupid.
guilt,now guilt is provable.
how do i prove a negative?
ami is judge, jury and executioner on this one.
i don't understand what happened here.
i don't know what to think anymore.
should i just never talk to anyone again
on the chance they'll go psycho on me?
which way is worse,
to live in the opne and take the shots,
or to live in a hole and be 'safe'?
where's the third option?
that's sounds like the opening to a few jokes.
fuck it,going home

allergies,bleh

allergy season in minnesota.
some places have a spring that
lasts for less than a month.
this appears to be one of them.
that's good,except then all my allergic reactions,
are packed into like 2-3 weeks,
instead of a month and a half or more.
so i will be bleh for a few days.
at least it's not fall.

lovelife
wow
let me expand on that theme.
wowzy wow wow wow.
ok,if you insist i shall be specific.
last weekend was a lost weekend.
this one is planned and longer.
thrusday,friday,and saturday.
if i'm not at work,
then i am with ami and,part of the time,cyclops.
that sounds like a 70s saturday morning show.

today i was late,truly late,to a shift i'm running.
i have been late as in 10 minutes before shift start.
but i arrived 6 minutes after start today.
ami missed her chiro appt too.
shows we are so very morning people don't it?

i did get in trouble last night.
no dear i won't share what category it was.
i should,but i won't.

called bill last night,
and he said laurie had called him.
she got beat up and was staying with zoe in a hotel.
i need to find out what is going on.
what could she have done to get kurt to kick her out?
he is not the bf btw.
unless things have changed again.
i'm worried about her and zoe.
unfortunately taking care of me is hard atm.
so what can i do?
well,time to make some phone calls.

lost weekend

saturday i went over to ami's.
i haven't seen the hotel since.
this is not a bad thing.
i am feeling like maybe i need some alone time,
but i'm not feeling that in any pressing way.
waking up next to the woman you love,
tends to make other things less important.

changes

so i haven't written about anything reaal
for a while now.
guess it is past time.

last weekend,just as i was getting off work,
after planning for a few days,
and with no statements to make me think
that i shouldn't rely on plans,
trouble says she needs a break.
some hints yes,
but not any real notice.
have i mentioned that i hate bad suprises?
so,she needed a break.
for a weekend i was in limbo.
am i single,is this just temporary?
well,it was temporary,
but i couldn't know that till it was over.
and then she comes back at
[to quote space balls]
ludicrous speed.
again,that was a quotation not a judgement.
i am ok with the speed.
it has given me a little whiplash tho.
no,i don't want to slow it down.
can't be any clearer than that.
it just takes adjustment in my thinking.

since then things have been amazing.
no,we ain't perfect,
but we are much more 'we' and less 2 'i's.
again,not saying either 'i' ceases to exist.
saying we treat things more as 'we'.
'we' kinda makes me go wheeeeeeeeeeeeee.

last night i had dinner with her
and her 'family'.the important family.
not the one that happens on accident,
this is the one that happens by identification.
that felt good.
nervous?yes,but either way 'we' would survive.
outcome? i seem to have been provisionally accepted.

slight bump this morning.
we woke up early8shudder8 for her doc appt.
that is not the bump.
last night i was checking my messages,
and i got a reply in my cup box.
this morning she read my reply
as i didn't exit the screen.
she was 'torqued'.
i had told her the truth about
how i 'met' someone,
but hadn't told her that i'd looked at her pics
that she had in her profile.
that seemed like superfluous data.
to her this was a 'lie thru omission'.
i certainly hadn't meant to keep important info from her.
this just didn't seem like something that needed saying.
that was the bone of contention.
so,how much info is enough?
how much info is too much?
everybody differs on these ideas.
every relationship is about compromise.
what is that point here?
how much input are our past relationships having
in determinning that point?
how much should we let them?
how much choice do we have in how much input they have?
how many times can i type 'how'?
and why do i feel like doogie howser?
god,now that music is in my head.
make it stop pleasegod!

ahem, this weekend cyclop's dad is in town.
in this case, what it means,
is a clothing optional weekend.
that is the wild part of it.
it also means domesticity.
isn't that wilder in some ways?

you cheap bastard

i need to go to thrift stores more.
it's sad but i enjoy them.
they appeal to my cheapskate instincts.

new futures?

neither bit of news will be brought up here.
yesterday was a day of news,good and bad.
we'll leave it at that.

monday night encounters and then some

monday i went over to ami's
to fix dinner for her and cyclops.
he had been out sick
and that,as well as other things,
brought out my nurturing side.
dinner was never made.
oh,it was purchased.
it was planned.
it just didn't get made.
talking and snuggling took up the time.
cyclops and i were both a bit irked by that.
don't get me wrong,
snuggling is oh so much fun.
ami and i talked about our feelings, good and bad.
it was a necessary thing.
we shared our freakouts,
and tuesday i shared my aftershock freakouts.
knowing each other and how we each work
is better in the long run
even if it makes ya nervous in the short.

then yesterday i ate some athlete's foot.
been somewhat seeing someone online,
for a while now.
yesterday i broke it off.
that wasn't the bad part.
i did it in a way that would cushion the blow for her.
this was partly the bad part.
telling ami that i did it was good.
telling her how i did it left me
with a mouth full of toes,
and not in the kinky way either.
in an effort to be fully open with her,
i left her trusting me less.
think my ulcer was happy though.
it ate well last night.

overdue update

well,the more stuff happens,
the less time you have to write about it.
this is especially tru of the past weekend.

real short,yay phoneness!
being able to be contacted is a different world.

this past weekend....
where to begin?
um,ami's son has a nom de plume now.
names protected to change the innocent,
or something like that.

i went to her place for the afternoon saturday,
and came back to the hotel sunday night.
her mom watched cyclops for a bit,
then i made us all dinner,
and sthen i wasn't allowed to go.
ok,i didn't fight all that hard.
i did make adult like sounds
[besides those pervert!]
but hard to go away when one doesn't really want to.
the 'L' word has been spoken [repeatedly] by each of us.
it was taking all of my concentration,
and most of hers from appearances,
to keep it in its cage.
that is the way it is, when you're lucky anyway.
it is too strong and the continual
construction of new barriers
soon takes over all your time.
all barriers ripped thru and too tired to fight it anymore,
it burst from your lips and changes your world.
with the right person this soft yet savage creature
builds a better world for both of you.
with the wrong person,your old world is destroyed,
but no shining new one stands ready for habitation.
so you are left to live in the tatters of the old.
with the REEALLY wrong person,
a new world IS created,
but the designer's name is desaid or machiavelli.
been there,done that, worse the hair shirt.

let me assure you gentle reader,
that this is the first case.
this new world is being built a bit everyday.
it does not come complete in the box,
some assembly is required,
some parts are not included but must be obtained later.
that is the best way after all.
to stretch the analogy to computers,
dells are all in one box.
looks great on first sight,
but some functions are near impossable with them.
build your own system and all the pieces may
cost a bit more overall,
but the end product can do everything,
but walk the dog.
did i mention ami has cats?

some more semi mushy stuff

so i haven't said anything in a few days.
ok it's been 2 days but i left off on monday news.
where ami i now?
well,i have been part of a special moment,
though not as nice as it could have been..
if ya don't get that you don't need to.

we are attempting to take things slow.
notice the key word in that sentance?
we know that that's the 'adult' thing to do.
we also both have difficulty with that.
*shrug* as long as things remain equally scary,
we're fine.
it's when only one of us is scared that the other IS scary.
been there ,done that, left the tshirts
behind when i moved.

damn,i wanna touch her again.

ohoh,phone should be here tomorrow.
getting a go phone
so byebye payphone hell,
and hehllo staying in contact.

update somewhat editted

why the 'somewhat editted'?
because the person mentioned now has this url.
it is about my life so it still belongs here though.
this is loki naked after all.
can't censor ,much, even for my protection.

so where to begin?
amy and i went out sunday.
a cold and wet day
but nice and steamy in her car.
i knew i wanted to kiss this girl
but didn't know that she'd been thinking
the same thing about me.
how was it?
she was 'and is' the most enthusiastic kisser
i've been with since h.s.
the girl loves to kiss,
and i certainly am not gonna complain about it.
oh and she loves being 'petted'
as i am very touchy felly that makes for a great fit.
let me explain, not heavy petting,
this is like stroking her hair/neck/face.
get your mind out of the gutter
and back in the sewer with the rest of us.

i had so wanted to touch her,
and here she loves it.
can you say 'happy happy joy joy'?
you can? good boys and girls.

last night i met her son,cyclops.
yeah,dating a mom.
haven't done that since i was 19.
that's another story.
at first, finding out that a potential gf
has physically present emotional baggage
makes one pause,if one has more than 3 brain cells.
after all,you would have 3 in the relationship,
and not in the 'dear penthouse' way.
so thinking is good.
drag some blood upwords and breathe deep.
find out about him as well as her.
find out if all 3 fit.
well,no need if you think it would never
make it to another equinox,
but maybe it would.
i'm not saying that i got long term plans here,
but i don't wanna shut that door
before i know if it leads to nice places.
what do i want?
how would i know at this point?
BUT, if i don't go through
proper steps for long term,
then i could never decide for that when i did know.
sometimes you have to make sure ya don't fumble
even when you are in the dark.
*shrug* time will tell.
so are you scared amy?
good,cause i'm petrified, so we're even.

renewals

due to this week being in the crapper,
earl has reversed his decision about renewals.
they will be dropped after tonight's shift,by me.
which means tomorrow will be a high $ day.
for me *g*

when was the last time i went on a date?
i dunno really.
i've dated people without ever 'going on a date' with them,
today i have a coffee date.
nervous? you betcha.
thinking about ways to sabatage it for self preservation?
that's a big ten four good buddy.
*shrug* this is practice.
my life has changed alot in the last year,
and this is just a small step.
overdramatic about getting coffee?
most definately!

bialystock and bloom

well this week has gone even worse than i thought.
production is at an all time low in the room.
same numbers,yet another go through.
not much that can be done about it either.

so i need to find out about
the festival of nations, whatever that is.
i just agreed to go to it
so i guess i should research it.
when becky asked me i agreed to going out with her,
knowing nothing about what i agreed to do.
we shall see.

my week

earl has finally gone back to georgia for a week.
a vacation more for us than him.
this leaves me in charge,
but he stopped in before his flight
to check messages and stuff.
that is why i waited till 11;05 to head toward work.
with his flight at 1'15
he couldn't be here after 11;15, could he?
he also called from the airport just before boarding.
the man can't let go.
still,as much as this week will stress me,
it will be sooooo much easier in one very important way.

so tonight will be the first full
end of day do everything, for me.
gotta remember my checklist
now where IS that checklist?

another friday another morning

so here i am running another morning shift.
got here with hardly anytime to spare.
if i wasn't so aggrevated by the infomercial
i may never have gotten up.
my alarm is the tv you see,
and this morn was an infomercial
about investing in stock options.
wanted to destroy the tv.
even dreamed that i did to stop it.

so my raise is partly gone.
evidently dsa didn't like only
making 75 cents on me,
so lost a quarter, $8.50/hr now.
well,not now now.
$10/hr when i run a shift
plus 1% of cc pledges.
all next week i'll get that too.
44 hours worth.
earl is on vacation then.
what a concept.
my last vacation was in 2000/2001.
course that was 4 weeks in europe so kinda balances.
i did have to do school stuff during part of that.
and british food can barely be considered ....,
let's say it makes food by as narrow of a margin
as bush's 'victory' in either term.
french food is great though.
i have more food memories from
3 days in france than from 3.5 wks in uk.
most everything else was better there though,
so a balance of sorts.

44 hours next week i'll get paid for.
i'll be here 56+ do to all the work
that needs doing before and after a shift.
still,that is closest i've come to being paid for my time.

so what now?

so,no i didin't rocky.
cold and a cold , not a good combo.

jobwise?
ok,so another assistant manager
was supposed to get the mn opera campaign.
instead she is getting the alliance theatre in atl.
good for her and maybe good for me.
don't get me wrong,
barely making here is better
than not making it in denver.
still,management,
even if earl is down on that campaign,
it would be better than being second banana.
can't get hopes too high though.
yeah,now there are 2 campaigns in the little fruit
that need a manager,and the only other trained
manager type for such small campaigns is going away,
but tartaglia may be a bitch anyway.
i deserve this dammit.
well,we'll see.

housing?
i paid for another month
at the notell motel.
based on my calculations i should
let me stress should
be able to get an apt before it's up.
again,we'll see.

wtf

i'm being told that
'you are not authorizedto view this page'
something strange goin on in blogger land

to rocky or not to rocky

coming up on another rocky weekend.
the question of to do or not
arises because the temp hasn't.
the buses stop while i am in there,
and don't start for 3 hours after i leave.
that means only go if i can deal
with temps below teens for 3 hours.

job,well got some more days of higher pay
due to earl's illness.
he wasn't in monday at all.

snowbound

in case you haven't heard
we got snow,lots of snow.
the twin cities got 9 inches before
the monday morning commute.
9 inches is good,when you aren't talking about snow.

so, slushy week
more about job later

a raise,some of the time

recently another manager traineee
in the tiny fruit got a management gig.
naturally this depressed me somewhat.
earl was quick to point out that
i would want the childrens' theatre not the opera.
the opera gig is notorious for not making much money.
in telling me this however
he said 'you'd make 400 or 500/week with that.
what do you make here?
when i answered that last week was the only time
i even GROSSED over $400 it seemed to startle him
now this next action was i'm sure,
an attempt to make me feel less bad
and less anxious to leave for management
earl doesn't do anything that isn't for earl
when you get right down to it.
his actions sometimes seem responsive
to others' needs, this is true.
upon further investigation,however,
one sees that they are to keep a situation
from negatively affecting earl.

so,next day i get a call at work
earl is giving me a 75 cent/hour raise,
for those times i would normally make $8/hr.
when i'm being the clerk officially, i make $10/hr.
when i'm assistant mangering,officially, i make
$10/hr plus 1% of cc for shifts i run.
friday mornings, when i'm running b2b and af
at an ongodly hour like 9am,
i make $12.50/hr plus cc %.
so the raise is something over half my hours.
the other half, i already get paid more.
earl has said that this was to put me at
halfway between assistant mgr pay and caller
as my minimum and that he wishes he could pay me more,
but sd&a has to make some profit on calling hour fees,
and more would negate the profit.
thus it is the orchestra's fault.
earl is blameless and sd&a is minimumly to blame.
interesting how that works out huh?
still, a raise is a wonderful thing.
it also shows ,evenon motivational digging,
a good thing. earl knows he needs me.
even if he wouldn't admit it under torture.
that helps even more than the extra $20/week.

rocky minnesota style?

saturday i finally went to rhps here.
why not before now?
i have this general rule about
being outside voluntarily when it's below 20F.
i don't do it.
pay me and i will but not for fun.

anyway,the cast is called transvestite soup.
an ok name i'm thinking.
i've checked out their website...till it went away.
oh yeah,they are an active cast
with an inactive site.
so first big minus on their scorecard.

the theater was showing something that didn't
let out till midnight so freezing for the extra 25 minutes
beyond what their site said it would be,
when their site was up and could pass on info.
this just makes the website negative point for me.

half the audience were virgins.
they perform about every other weekend,
yet have few regulars.
sign that they don't inspire loyalty in audience?

virgin pop,tame, 4 virgins had to fake orgasms.
seen much worse so no points either way there.

preshow,transvestite so called leprachauns
2 weeks before st patty's day
singing a made up drinking song.
the song was ok but i've made up better just from boredom.
as a preshow it was underwhelming.
note,not bad,but not good either.
underwhelming sums it up best.

trixie,
i have seen trixies that didn't strip before.
those had some sort of story with them however.
this one just danced without disrobing.
trixie...not so much.

during the show..well mostly good performances,
but none seemed to be very dedicated.

it was a good show.
it just didn't inspire me.

um,ok

no i didin't give up blogging for lent.
laziness and nothing much to write about really.

the local rocky cast's website is down.
waiting to see if that is the only thing down for them.

need to start research on places to live after the 18th.
need to pay less to live so i can actually save up $.
speaking of , most likely no help from bridging.
that's the group that helps people furnish their home.
they need a reference by a shelter worker
and i need to move directly from a shelter to an apartment.
i'm not going to move into a shelter just to get a free crappy bed.
so usual slow furnishingwhich will include very odd ends.
that's more my style anyway.
mosty would agree but they would mean it insulting.
i like that college rummage sale look.
*shrug* if i had loads of throaway cash then
that would still show up, just in smaller ways.
now where's my 'better than average white trash' t-shirt?

referral bs

so i've signed up for this roomate refferral thing.
i put down that the ONLY acceptable
situation would be 'smoke indoors'.
i have 2 refferrals,both antismokers.
wtf is that about?
well,smokers in this area have proven themselves
to be more than willing to be victimized
by the librafascist antismoking residents.
if that wasn't true there would be no smoking ban.
i guess rr assumes that we all are anxious to be
good little slaves and say yassir masser to anything.

suprisingly ok

so management at the saloon [aka the amsterdam]
knows that i,and not kc,am staying there.
while the weekend evening bitch is unhappy,
the manager could care less
and now i'm paying the monthly,
in this case $450/month
as it is still employee discounted.

it's actually an ok place.
no noisy or nosey neighbors.
a secure place to stay
what a concept.
and knowing day to day,WEEK TO WEEK,
where i will be is soooo much a relief.

so when does the rodeo hit town?

so not the exodus,
they are full up.
luckily[?] kc has an employee discount
at an almost hotel, called the amsterdam.
share bath just like the exodus but smoking in my room.
ok,negatives,
twice as much and it is the 'no tell motel' for the gay scene.
i did mention the shared bathroom right?
oh well,stay to myself in my room and with smoking rights
why go out anyway except to get food?

also have a line on a housesharing thing to help save
for eventual apt aquiring.
no savings these 2 weeks though.
still,better than st steven's right?

oh so soon it makes me quiver

saturday should see me moving into the exodus.
sleeping room,share bathroom,but sleep when i wanna.
now how will i keep from spending money
that will be needed for new apt?

oh,and if someone doesn't want me smoking somewhere
put up a sign!
there isn't one in the garage stairwell,
so time to implement that survivebelowzero strategy
for smokebreaks.

BAH HUMBUG

valentine's day...
the title says it all.

morning,and something to do

today is the first morning shift for the b2b campaign.
wtf,ok,that's business to business and it's still fundraising.
of course earl ain't gonna get up in time to start a 9am shift,
so here i am running a full morning shift then most of the afternoon.
why mornings? because some people are easier to reach before noon.
this campaign is for business funds so once a week, mornings.
oh,and $12.50/hr plus commision to run it.
yay me.

getting better all the time,ooooh

my voice is almost back,
and my hearing is coming back.
yeah, when i got here i had to go through
every variation of the cold that had been here,but not in co.
this means that at least 3 colds went through my system maybe a dozen.
now,however[there's always a howevere] i'm feeling better.
maybe i will even be myself[whoever that is]soon.

on the housing front, it loks like on febuary 20th
i will move into the flop known as the exodus hotel.
appropriately named, be assured.
no smoking inside,no cooking or even coffee makers,
and one bathroom per floor,shared among men and women.
so not great but ability to sleep till time to go to work,priceless.
oh, and it takes less than a cigarette to get from there to work.
roll out of bed and be at work 10 minutes later.
this could mean a great increase in laziness for awhile,
especially when you add in the eating takeout for each meal.

so much for that

ok,the hoops to get aid to move are too tiny.
so back to original plan of saving for a couple months then move.

i've been an idot

ok that applies to many things,
but specifically i've been an idiot to not take full advantage
of gov programs for the poor.
if i've had a job i've never tried to get foodstamps or housing assistance.
that ends now.
i have a job but the pay is less than excellent.
so today i applied for foodstamps.
ok,so i only qualify for $20/month but that pays for my coffee.
before i get an apartment i will get any aid for that too.
i have been middle class since i was a dependent,
but i've just paid what i could and even what i couldn't.
i can get an apratment for $300/month if i go through all the paperwork.
there is no reason for my pride to keep me down.
those programs exist for people who make what i do and more.
other ways of being an idiot will be found i'm sure,
but this way is over.

statement of intent

in case noone's noticed,i'm posting more often.
now that i don't have someone looking over my shoulder,
figuritively and literaly, i can.

so let me state it clearly,
i'm going to try to post 4-6 times a week.
more stuff happens,less time to post.

so what happened for 2 years in purgatory?
that is a story for when i calm down more.
now i'd just hurl invectives without any order.

ok,so off for now,later

update

i finally can state with little doubt that it is 10;05am c.t.
a watch is now in my ownership,finally.
a place was found to get the last of the co.food stamp card bucks.
ok,it was not a grocery store as such.
it was a small local one store mini grocery,
so everything cost too much,
but target was being a bitch and not accepting my card.
so even though it was too much it would have done me no good to wait.
cub and rainbow are too far away to be options.

oh, and something i didin't realize when researching min.
white castles exist here!
for the first time in almost 4 years i had some belly bombs last night.
as bad as i remember but missed them.

strange

so now that i am safely 700 miles away
the woman i went to denver to be with 2 years ago wants to talk.
not sure how to take that.

from central time

that's right, mountain time is now lokifree.
and minneapolis is lokifreezing.
today it MIGHT get above 0 c.
some of the ice may even melt.
after all, in most places when it goes above freezing then ice melts.
not in denver but in most places.

other than my ears hurting a bit from the pressure,
it's great to be somewhere with air again.
i was about to forget what that felt like.

ya know, sleeping in a shelter, 33 cents in my pocket, and low in cigs,
and i still feel happier and more positive about my future.
sometimes i just gotta dance.

so i'm doing clerk work, assistant manager work and making calls.
name it and i'm doin it in this campaign.
earl even introduced me as someone who'll be the 'jack of all trades'.
he also introduced me as a manager who this campaign was working as an assistant,
and as the other of half of the 'management team' for the campaign.
being introduced to people for the first time like that feels good.
lord knows i've put in my peon time.

well, theirs other things i need to do before the callers get here,
oh, i'm in the office.
as deputy manager a fob for security and a key
to the fundraising managing office are in my pocket.
nice and scary at the same time.
ok, back to other stuff i need to do on the comp before work.

moving

i've said it before but this time is official.
i'm moving out of denver.
minneapolis is the destination, land of ice.
cold but finally getting my life back on track.
i'll try to blog some more before i go.
the goal is monday so i can get a full two weeks in at work.
so yes, i will be in denver on new years, but the next day i'm gone.

.

the blogs are disappearing then reappearing.
must be maintenence.
in case anyone is wondering it is nad freezing in denver atm.
10 f -12 c. oh, and the heat doesn't work in this apartment.
boiling water so sauna for life

ok

let's try this again

assinie little shits

due to being attacked by comment adshots the comments will have to be shut down for awhile.

what the hell was all that?

what the hell was all that?

um yeah

wrote in private blog tonight.
may publish it here later.
may get enough courage not to be able to.

.

wow,it's been forever since i posted.
nothing to say i guess.

kitty!!!!

we have a new little troublemaker.
yes she is black but she is different from KIt in oh so many ways.
i will never stop missing my little girl but i need to give this little girl my love too.
life,..yeah.

double vision

i think my eyes are starting to decide to focus again...mostly

double vision

ok, i think my eyes are starting to focus again.
had double vision for a week but seem to see single view now....most of the time

pain

Kit is dead
she died monday morning, run over.
i'm sorry that this is the way many who loved her will hear this.
it is hard to talk about right now.
thanx to stevie for letting me use their net for this.

another year another......

so as of 3 hours ago it is no longer my bday.
that means it's time to do that year in perspective thing right?
well not ready, as usual.
week in perspective for now.

earl finally went home for thanksgiving wednesday morning.
this was his first in 3 years.
that means i did the mg thing.
day 1, we did better than either day earl had managed,
despite the fact that one of the top callers,me,
was not on the phone.
really enjoyed letting him know that when he called friday.

friday and saturdays shifts were not so good.
very few callers, lacking the best, and the contact rate,
at least on friday and to a certain extent saturday,
was about non existent.
well, what does one expect on the first 2 xmas mall days?

yesterday the callers all signed a bday card to me.
one of the signs this bday was better than last.
after work paris to meet the youngest of 'the girls'.
[please refer to old blogs for more about 'the girls']
laurie was finally convinced to come in, bonus.
lo and behold another of the girls showed
with a fellow rockyite no less.
what made this even better is that she hadn't been told.
she just showed up on her own.
the 2 girls hadn't even seen each other in quite a while either.
so this led to much laughter and declamations of 'gong'.
told them about the yet to be mentioned major life changing surprise.
they seemed very happy for me.

laurie has made this week a major project for her.
last week was her bday but before she got anything from me,
she was taking me to tattered cover's ritzy store to get books.
the little vixen also got me a music gift certificate and a cake.
makes me feel bad for not spending more on her.
and makes me feel good that my bday was this important to her.

comparing bdays
last year i was in a shelter.
only 3 irl people showed an interest in it.
no ecards or even paper ones.

this year, while only one person got me a gift,
i got 3 ecards, 2 paper ones,
wished a happy by almost 2 dozen,
and tomorrow filling boetcher with loki bday people for 'drums of the world'.
all in all much better.

frozen hill

ok, first off, to anyone who had followed this blog,
i'm sorry it has taken this long to update.
something entered my world and shook it hard
almost 2 months ago and just when i thought
i could write about that...well, this happened.

bear with me dear reader.
this is going to take a bit of a detour in the telling,
and the entry is long, but it is important to tell it right.

over 2 weeks ago i was on my way to work.
the lokifan....laurie was driving.
the names will not be changed to protect the innocent.
it was a normal day, going to work in a normal way,
then we started to cross 19th st.
we had the green, evidence later will support this and
we will return to that.
it was green before we were a block away,
so factoring in the usual and minusing out
for a bit of snow cauition,tho no frozen road,
our speed was about 30 when we were a third of the way
into the intersection, when the truck appeared.
i don't mean entered the intersectioned.
at the speed it was flying thru the intersection
it seemed to just appear from nowhere.

you ever have a frozen moment?
not a picture in your mind kind of thing,
i mean a time and space cease kind of thing.
your brain is the only thing running.
all options are laid out, calculations made,
if your muscles worked in this nontime
you know you could look around and watch a snowflake hover
while your mind continues to work thru what is about to happen.
the truck will not be avoided.
this car at the very least is about to be scrap.
maybe i will be, maybe i will feel it,
maybe i won't. it has been decided already tho.

this is the digression, another frozen moment.
i'm 18 and i borrow my dad's chevy luv to return a video.
see, the weather looks like it might turn bad soon
and my car doesn't have 4 wd. dad's truck does.
we live on a hill in southeastern indiana,
above a valley that is mostly ohio.
i figure i could borrow the truck, return the tape,
get another, and be back before dad gets back from bowling.
what i didn't know was that the winter storm had already
hit harrison and the hillside down to it,
even tho bright was clear and not even all that cold yet.
this i discovered halfway down the hill when
the turck started to slide,
and in that moment i realized that the road was
3 inches below where i thought it was.
this surface was ice with a light dusting of snow
that made the eye think traction existed.
time didn't.
the truck had moved the wrong way under me
less than 6 inches when time took a coffe break and
i had my frozen moment of awareness.
when time restarted the actions that i took
had to be 100% correct or this truck, me and my friend
were going to be soaring free down a long long hill.
the next contact with earth would be a couple
thousand feet down and about a minute from now.

at certain moments i your life, if you're lucky,
all the things that you should do right are calculated out
from all the info you have heard in theory,
but never experienced before.
at those moments, again, if you're very lucky,
you will do the correct things,
with little room for side thoughts.
it's amazing how many things we think about all at once.
as i type the possible words are floating in my head,
the taste of the tobacco as i inhale is being critiqued,
the sound of the fan is noted over the soft hiss of the
burning paper and the sound of these keys and the
feel of the keys is impinging on my consciousness.
all that without even going into the next level
of how language is percieved visually then
interpreted from these symbols or...i could go on.
at those frozen moments, even when time returns to existence,
the brain is focussed so fully that all that is
there to the side is that softly screaming voice,
way off locked behind walls of calculations,
saying over and over again
"if i don't do this right i cease"
oh and gibbering, lots of gibbering,
but all that is so seperate that it seems almost a passenger
to this being who is turning into the skid...turning into the coming impact,
who is most assuredly NOT hitting the breaks......
is bracing agains the door and seat against the blow that will land,
who is working the clutch and gears, bringing the truck down slow......
who is urging laurie,the moment the spin is finished,to drive this
broken thing after the fleeing truck who hit us before she can get away,
and before it can realize it is dead
and won't move another micrometer under its own power.
racng the moment of collapse, my voice pushing laurie's body
into action before it even knows it's hurt,
car in front, jump out, run in front of the truck
before the light changes and she gets away, i see it is a she now.
....... at 10 mph at most bringing this truck to the bottom of the hill
.......she can't go anywhere without running over me now and there are witnesses
.......muscles loosen somewhat and time is almost back to normal.

see, the detour made sense when you think about it.

the paramedicas arrived in seconds...
maybe time made up some ground on me there.
guiding laurie toward the ambulance, taking the witness
to her attempted escape's card down, calling work while
still talking to a paramedic, earl's voice cutting in,
'you were in an accident too?'
he figured it out from me talking to the paramedic as he picked up.
another worker had been in a smaller accident 5 minutes ago and called in.

laurie was in shock till we got home.
she didn't even see how bad the damage was till days later in the lot,
taking pictures for our ambulance chaser lawyer.
it took the insurance people a few days to say what i knew before impact,
the car was totaled.
laurie's migraines stared 2 days later.
her back and knee pain started that night.
she may have migraines with occasional
total loss of vision concurring for the rest of her life.
me. i had headaches and a stiff neck a week later,
but nothing before or since.

the calculations in that frozen moment missed something that hit me
2 days later and made me need to sit down and shake for half an hour.
half a second more, a foot and a half farther,
and that crazy woman would have ran OVER the car.
i would have died tho probably not soon enough to escape the pain.
laurie would have died on scene maybe but more likely
after failed attempts to get her body to work right a day or so later.

we're alive.
we are mostly just inconvenienced, tho lauire worse than i,
and she may need to keep migraine med and muscle relaxers on hand
for the rest of her life due to recurring muscles spasms in her head and neck.

oh, and i was grounded as soon as i got home.
dad had returned before i did.
i'd taken the long and safer way but he had followed the snow plow up the hill.
ain't life full of surprises?

bday weekend

ze sexy snake had her bday on the 31st,
jailbait is officially no longer so today.
that's 2/3rd of the girls with bdays.
and 2 other people have them this weekend also.
hm, both those have that wicked second x zome also.
it's a conspiracy it is.

the original temptress' present has been purchased.
now i need something for no-longer-jailbait.
got a few things running thru my head.
gonna track one of them down this afternoon and see if it feels right.

the local rocky theater has gone 18+ for rocky.
that is a slap in the face to many a loyal audience member.
amazing how little thought to others some people have.
the one thing i can't empathize with is lack of empathy.
need to end this particular post before i go off.

it don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing

big bad voodoo daddy was at taste of clorado.
where we sat the view was blocked by a coors truck,
but the sound was great,
alot of young parents had their kids there with them.
so we had the cute little kids swingin then fallin,
then help up from mom and more swingin.
so even better than ringside i think.

yesterday my allergies were acting up.
took some allergy medicine.
non drowsy my ass.
earl sent me home then bitched at me.'
get me an assignment soon before i go off on him.

cat sitting

ok, let's say you go out of town for a week.
you have cats so you ask someone to watch them.
what's the stupidest thing you could do then?
nope, she had plenty of food for them.
the litter level was fine.
give up? give the person the wrong key.
so this lead to me calling the landlord.
no help there so called the dumb friends league.
they called landlord and pissed them off at them and me.
landlord went to check if locks had been changed,
then didn't tell me that they left the deadbolt unlocked.
even tho i have the wrong key,
a bit of jiggling makes it work on knob lock.
this proves again that those are really worthless.
so anyway, cats were saved a couple of hours
before dehydration would have set in.
damn they were hungry tho after 3 days without food.
i figure by sunday one would have eaten the other.
i rewatched cannibal the musical this week.
not planned just happened that way.

so when she gets back, someone is going over my knee.
she's lucky i don't give her cats to league after this.

where's the beach?!

i am missing the ocean so badly.
unfortunately my first few assignments would have
zero chance of being coastal *sigh*.

so some details.
great class of fall 04 management trainees..
one of them actually had already been a manager.
he didn't get to go thru this before his first gig
so they had him come out between assignments to catch up
and so he would know who to contact in situations like he got himself in.
want details of that...don't ask.
let's just say his experience led to some examples
of what not to do with clients.

i was sooooo nervous that i almost fucked it up,
but i think i impressed them thru the week.
it seems like i had an above average amount of experience
and i will take full advantage of my new 'network'.
can we even use the term networking after the 90's?

anyway, for fun stuff we went to manhattan beach twice.
both times i played motivater so even that counted as bonus points.
to say it is beautiful there is to make a gross understatement.
mid 70's daytime and only went down to mid 60s at night.
was nice being in a big city again also.
let's face it, denver is barely even a real city in size.
if there was anything else for a few hundred miles around,
it just plain wouldn't exist.
it is a city by default.

i got to meet alot of people i will be communicating with via email
and phone in the home office and learned more about sda's history.
say what you will about telephone driven campaigns.
we've saved so many non profit arts organizations.
it's great to be proud of one's job.
so few can say that and until this i wasn't one of them.
i can't wait to be running my own campaign.

ok, so here are some pics from the trip.
they can be viewed singly or in slideshow.

http://home.comcast.net/~lokivibes/wsb/html/view.cgi-photos.html-.html

triumphant return

back from la but due to transit messups
i had no sleep last night so if anyone
expected a call, well, i just got up.
details will be added later,
for now, suffice it to say that it was an experience.

time for la la land

ok, in 15 minutes i'm airport bound for la.
everybody please pray/send good vibes/whatever paradigm you use.

thrift stores are good

so yesterday i woke up with an amazing idea.
some money had come in tho not the check
[maore about the check in a minute]
so since i had been worrying about
getting any suit i found today drycleaned in time,
why not look for one before work friday?
with the help of an online coupon from goodwill,
a nearly perfectly fitting dark blue pin strip suit was purchased.
amazingly it fit around the waist and DIDN'T need to be hemmed.
the price of this item? $5.50. a pair of dockers and a tie was 4 bucks more.
topday i shall be looking for another pair of dockers,
a white shirt to go with the suit, and shoes and a belt.
this simplifies things greatly.

ok, about the check, it didn't arrive.
after a call to sd&a we were informed it would be here monday.
let me let that sink in for a moment.
monday is when i fly out of here for la.
what time? well i still didn't know.
can you say panic boys and girls?
theoretically 2 - 3 hours to shop wash pack anmd get to airport.
a call to our ae had delivery switched to taday so
i have to be at work before 9am to make sure the fedex can get in.
oh, and flight times are known.
tartaglia is a sadistic bastard.
my return day, sunday, would have been the only day
in la without work stuff to do.
a weekend day in la to explore would have been nice.
i have to be at the airport before 8am.
this will be afgter going to see the sins cast do rocky
and getting back to the hotel no earlier than 4am.
the monday flight is at 3 something so no rush there
but that return flight time is just plain wrong.
what was he thinking on that?
well i do have other stuff planned for the week.
earl said that chances are sd&a will have some
activity planned for more than one evening.
that screws that probably as well and no idea when.
i had picked some free concerts to go to thursday and friday.
why do i bother to plan ahead?

lynz, cya after work for thrift shopping.

or maybe not

earl is withdrawing his recommendation
of me as the next CSO manager for sd&a.
he believes it is way too complex
for a level one mgr,
even with my extensive relationship with the CSO.
hell, i have more experience with the CSO
than most of the CSA [the office staf].
accordingn to him it would be 70 hours/week,
and totally unworth it for level one pay
and level one inexperience.
usually level 1 works about 30 hours/week
and spends most of that sitting in their ass
playing video games while pretending to supervise.
considering that most likely a different campaign
would only mean 25% less income for the year,
that sounds like a good trade off to me.

so yeah, most likely back to travel plans.
oh, some good news on the income front.
that per diem which is more than base pay
as far as percentage of income when one
hasn't made enough to be on commission,
one still gets even with the commission replacing base.
so maybe the overall money difference will be less.

do i dare even suggest the possibility?

tartaglia asked earl if, after training,
he thought i would be able to take over the cso.
earl said yes, for reasons of my having
even more experience with the cso than earl does,
as well as my willingness to call on him for help.
so if that happens i will be a home mgr not a travel mgr.

this has good and bad sides.

the positives:
extremely unusual for loevel 1 to get a year round campaign.
steady employment as manager.
raising in levels slightly faster which raises pay.
i already know most of the 'unique to one organization' stuff here.
$500,000/year 11 month campaign more lucrative
than the 2 $200.000 campaigns i would otherwise most likely get.
[i get paid base or commission whichever is greater]
no move and adjustment to new city/org.
no paying rent on 2 places plus deposits twice a year.
closer to docs who know my health history.
if i do manage to run this well,
then my next campaign would be even more lucretive, most likely.

the downside:
i was looking forward to travel.
denver.
less money when on base pay.
due to the timetable the cso wants to switch to
the second year of the fundraiser will be lower than first year.
despite letting sd&a know this as well as the client,
it will look a bit bad on me if it turns out to be the case.
denver.
no large loan for moving that will allow me to buy a car
with cash and very soon.
omyfuckinggoddenver.


this is only a possibility atm.
i felt i should state it tho to prepare anyone.
lots of things could lead to it not happening.
number one, i could fuck up in la and never BE a mgr.
tartaglia is looking for earl another gig and has been for a while.
in lots of ways this would be simplest for sd&a and the cso.

la update

still no details like flight or room,
but it is happening on the 23rd,
and the hotel is a block and a half from the office.
considering the office is damn close to a rail stop,
that means i can get around la easy.
the only challenge is how to get back from
the 'sins of the flesh' rocky horror show.
gotta check into options on that.

the call

so tuesday was my second phone interview with tartaglia.
he told me that as far as he was concerned i was going to la.
thursday was the deciding interview with emily the vp.
i made her laugh almost hard enough to go into labor.
tartaglia says he's been trying to induce that way for a while.
the point of all this is...i got the call.
sometime today tartaglia will give me the details about
plains and motels, but i am going to la for the in person!

it is true that i could screw up the in person but
tartaglia seems to believe i'll pass.
if that is nso then i will be in la for a week.
fly in monday[most likely the 23rd],
tuesday the inperson, later tuesday first day of class,
class thru saturday, then fly back to denver sunday.
the week before i would be assigned a campaign,
there is traing with another mgr.
emily says that she wants all trainees to be
exposed to many different managerial styles.
that way we can pick stuff from a variety of mgrs
to adapt to different circumstances.

so i plan my trip.
did anyone know that one can get almost everywhere
in la la land by rail?
whoever talks about la subway system?
it goes within a quarter mile of the office tho.
so even tho i will only have evenings
there should be some la exploration.

isn't it ironic?

on the one saturday i don't have to be up,
i wake up before 9am and feel like
i am up for the day.
why don't i have to be up?
cause earl was at work by 9am yesterday,
so he had me run last night's shift as assistant mgr
with the offer of being off today in return.
i do have some cbs today tho,
and since i couldn't send out brochures
due to yahoo and then hotmail screwing with me
i was going to go in at noon.

he was supposed to go home and rest with his night off.
so after work i decided to try his fave restaurant, breakfast king.
me and the loki fan walk in, and there he is.
so i spent time talking to him
and then me fan got upset
'why didn't you tell me earl would be here?'
as if i knew he was going to be there.
the term passive aggressive mean anything?
pardon me while i scream.

review of second phone call

so he messed up the time.
he is on the east coast.
so instead of messing up by calling me cali time,
he called 2 hours earlier than time.
had to have him call me back,
as i was still at rose medical.

ok, so he calls back around schedu;led time,
and we talk for almost an hour.
he askls me situational questions and things like
'what will be the hardest for you to do as mgr?'
'what will be the easiest part of the job?'
'what are your strengths?'
'what do you n eed to work on?'
etc etc
and i ask him more questions and more specifics
than anyone he has ever talked to at this stage.
tho he is quick to point out that this
is not necessarily a bad thing.
still, it has to be a mark of something.

anyway he seemed rather impressed by my knoweledge,
and ideas and most of my questions.
so next phone interview is set up for next week,
and he said to call if i have questions,
and continue to mine earl for info
as i had shown that i already had been doing.

i made the first cut!
well, technically the third.
this cut was the first full presentation of me.
not a brief chat or a file but me convicing him he wanted me .
so first full blown nerves experience.

yay me!

ok more later.
oh, bill moved into the building today
and myllwri looked at a place.
gotta pack this building with ppl i know.
[already had eric from before]

insane day people and a busy day

why the hell do all day people
assume that everyone is?
it is abundantly obvious that half of us can't be.
what am i, a farmer or something?

so i am up at this ridiculous hour,
because i am finally going to my cardiologist.
i was supposed to go 2 weeks post hospital,
but scheduling was impossible.
as is i have to be up way before i should be,
and it's over a month after.

in addition, today is the day of my in detail call with tartaglia.
that's at 1pm tho, a very sane time.
trouble is, since NOONE considers mountain time,
i gotta wonder if that is 1 pm pacific.
oh well, i shall find out.
this call is to give me more detail on mangement training,
and manager's responsibilities and test me.
at least i think the latter is true.
will post more after.
much finger and toe crossing will be done.

more tales from the road to management

so tartaglia called tonight to set up an appointment
for a longer more detailed talk about
what it means to be a manager.
he also sent an email monday eve
that is a manager's intro thing.
he said in his phone message that he sent earl something for me
that sounds just like what he emailed me.
i couldn't call him back because i have no long distance.
first thing when i arrive wednesday
i''l call him to set up that second phone interview.
maybe i should get a phone card.
if i'm going to need to start calling el sugundo,
i'll need one.
am i the only one who doesn't hear redd foxx when that town is mentioned?

management training and killer tomatos

so yesterday earl showed me the latest caller flash.
that's the s.d.&a newsletter.
the call has gone out for management trainees.
we talked about it and my health.
timing is about right healthwise.
he was worried but i informed him,
that i was supposed to be back fully full time
by middle of august per talk with doc.

so monday he is calling tartaglia to throw my name in.
after they have gathered names then they
go over everybody's records.
then they eliminate some
and schedule phone interviews with what's left.
those they like are flown to cali
for in person interviews and tests.
if they still want you then there are classes.
after that they generally send you
back to your campaign for one on one training.
sometimes another city's campaign with a diff mgr.
then you are a level 1 mgr and are on the list.
then there is the waiting for first job.
best case scenario i am a mgr somewhere
by november in a different city
destination unknown.
fingers, toes, and anything else that won't hurt TOOO much, crossed.

for tonight, there are other plans.
i am fixing lasagna and inviting some friends over.
atttaaaaaack of the killer tomatooooos.
a perfect combo. eating a tomato based product
and watching tomatos terrorize the country.
this should get my b movie fix,
and my showing off my cooking skills fix,
all at the same time.

 

 

whibblie wobblie woo

make one rain dance joke,
just before an outdoor performance is rained out,
and people look at ya funny.
oh well
 
going to try to ease back into more hours at work.
have to do that for a variety of reasons.
earl is probably leaving soon,
so transition to more phone time is a good idea.
gotta prove to new mgr that i can do it.
i also need more money,
and more hours when i can make sales[the eves]
means higher probuction rate, and more mullah.
plus i gotta build up my strengeth anyway.
 
with all these records of me going everywhere,
the student loan people found me.
offer of consolidation tho.
the ones who want me to pay now
don't have me,yet.
we shall see.

oopsie

behind on blogging.
let's see. where to start.

ok, last week my best friend from h.s.,
don, called me while i was at the hospital.
this time i wasn't there for me.
the lokifan finally went in as she has needed to.
took them hours but they found out something.
not that night of course. noooooo
they found out the next day.
evidently her pain was mostly
due to some benign growths
that are supposed to clear up on their own.
yet anothjer day later they also found
that she has an infection too.
good news, antibiotics will fix it.
bad news, allergic reaction
giving her asthma attacks from antibiotics.
grrrrr

anyway, don is in the army reserve,
a band unit to be precise.
a changing of command at the base
in colorado springs brought him from boise.
so we drove to c.s. and he and i caught up.
that's right, we gossipped about schoolmates.
i also convinced him to order the liter glass
of warsteiner so he could get the sticker,
'life's too short for bad beer'
he sometimes still needs convincing
to do stuff for himself.
due to altitude, a half liter earlier,
and his low alcohol limit he couldn't finish it.
it was entertaining to seem him
drink out of a glass that stood
higher from the table than anyone's head.

earl is going out of town tomorrow.
maybe geting a job as mgr
of the nyc philharmonic.
so i am doing the assistant mgr
thiung while he is gons.
ok, that's good.
but if he gets the job that could be scary for me.
i would have to train a whole new mgr.
i reeeeeeally hope this doesn't mess up
the plan to get me into mgr training this fall.
i need this.
i can't begin to say how badly i need this.
this almost seems like a last chance.

oh to be in d.c.

now that the great american smoke in is here.

that's right, it's that time again kiddies.
time to rally round the leaf.
time to march down pennsylvania ave
past the white house, with a hogleg
passed back to you filling your lungs with
that american revolutionary fervor.
time to freak out the normals
as they wait to put on their patriotic parade.
such a nice feel to see them cowering against their floats
as the freaks walk by chanting
a protest song which is much more
in keeping with the revolutionary tradition
rather than their conservative usurption
of the 'american dream'.

but here i am in denver.
guess i'll have to celebrate
with a much smaller group.

btw, someone called from the lab
to discusss my bloodwork but the lab was closed
so i get to wait till monday to find out why.

blood work

k so i got the bloodwork done today.
if anything bad turns up they will call me
BY MONDAY!!!!!
seems a long time to wait and wonder if i have bad news.
if nothing shows up then i find oiut
in 2 weeks when the bill gets here.

other than the labwoman having trouble
with my rolling veins that's the news for the day.
no bruising tho so she didn't totally fuck up.
but it came out slow and she complained about my veins.

doctor's visit

the last time i went to a doctor's office,
for myself, well a bush was in office then too.
anyway i did my one week after hospital visit.
dr.sonya black was impressed by how much healthier i looked.
she said i had more color and my lungs sounded much
clearer and my heart was beating much closer to a good rate.
last time she heard it it was racing.
now it is firmer and steadier.

she liked my plan to ease back into work
by doing the 5 hour day shift thing
and then saturdays as well.
the problem with that is that day shifts are sucking.
they are making hardly any sales.
this means earl doesn't need me
to work that shift 5 days plus sat.
atm i'm not complaining about 4 days/week.
mwf and sat morning.
i can use the rest.

i have to go back for some blood tests
tomorrow morning and cardiac rehab
starting next week and a cardiologist apt.
oh and another gp visit but different doc.
sonya finished her internship today.
i was the next to last patient she saw.
the first doc i saw in the hospital
graduated the day after i was checked in.
2 sexy docs leavin me.*sigh* oh well.
hopefully after this 6-9 months
i can go another decade without a doc.

a wake up call

tuesday i was released from the hospital.
in that one sentance all previous
preconceptions are exchanged for new ones.
it's a good way to start this.

most people know that i have been sick for a month.
at first i thought allergies.
cold or flu seemed likely next.
after a week of inability to eat
solid food pneumonia or something like it seemed most likely.
father's day i found out i was wrong again.

many know how slow it is being in the e.r.
it takes hours to get anything started let alone done.
those without insurance have to use this tho
for many situations that most people would go to their doc.

so i went to the e.r. at 1pm.
by 2pm they had taken blood work.
by 2:30 the chest xray was done.
that's going at warp 9 for an e.r.
by 4 they had a diagnosis.
..."congested heart failure, would you please
sign these forms so we can admit you sir?"
my preconceptions were heading to maui fast.

they wanted to moniter me 24 hours/day for a few days
and take more tests and scans.
these wouldn't change the diagnosis, but
they would give them an idea of which third of
younger patients i was.
this usually strikes those with a history of heart problems
around reitrement age.
i've always been impatient to try new thinmgs but
a new disease 40 years early seems a bit extreme.

i was discussing percentages tho wasn't i?
1/3 of early onset victims can look forward
to 6 months of extreme weekeness, doctor visits,
5-7 perscriptions/day and severe limitations on their lives.
these are the extremely lucky ones.
purgatory then back to almost but never quite
where you started out.

1/3 have 'normal' heart failure.
pills doctor visits restrictions disability,
for the rest of their lives.
often changing or upping dosages as the body becomes immune.
never, ever able to pretend that they will
be healthy one day.the most ehy can look forward to
is applying for disability and watching the world go by.

1/3 has all the above to deal with,
but is on a downhill slide that soon
will require another heart.
if they are lucky their new heart will put them back up
into the second category.

so i lay in my hospital room
tubes, wires and leads sticking out of me,
waiting for the round of blood samples,
readings, meds, and 12 nurses
listening to my heart and lungs
and asking if i have any med allergies
as if i hadn't answered the question
15 times/day since i checked in.
would the silly buggers have given me an aspirin if i'd asked?
that would be one way to pay for the bill.

just when i'd get relaxed from one round thru the next
round of regularly scheduled pokes and probes began.
this routine was occasionally interupted by
injections of radioactive isotopes and poloroids.
and lots and lots of pissing.
i lost almost 20 pounds in 3 days.
see the congested part is liquid on the heart.
my heart was beating at 15% efficiency.
now more drained it is up to 20 something %
good is considered 65-85%

the results are in now.
i am in the 'lucky' 1/3.
in six months i may be back to some percentage
of what i was before and maybe in a few
more months off meds.
diet restrictions and smoking reduction,
walks to 7/11 should be considered gravely.
all activities more energetic than watching tv,
should include planned rest reast breaks.

i got my wake up call.
being awake for it was a near thing tho.

i'd like to thank those who have been there thru this.
the help of the 'loki fan' has already been classified
as saving my life and that, if anything, is understated.
the girls took over my hospital room for movie night,
and the one unable to visit kept the rest
of the world informed of my distress.
group hugs and gropings just seem hardly adequate.
to show how much this has meant to me to have
those who care so much and show it.

my manager manged to make it in to visit as
i was waiting for all the release forms.
everyone should be so cosmically blessed
as to have him as a boss/mentor.
i swear there were some times
that he almost kidnapped me to the er.
with any other boss i would have been unemployed
long ago or dead from working the same pace
while my heart was tripping closer to attack.
he wouldn't let me and he still saved my job for me.
course he does need me as a buffer/editor.
compared to him i am much closer to sainthood
than dirtyoldmanhood.
"don't say it and tighten that tie before
we get a harassment suit going"

ok, enough for now.
i'm going to go lay back down for a bit.

health update

ok so i have been sick for a month.
short of breath, hacking and wheezing, etc.
today i woke up short of breath a few times,
nd declared that i had to see a doctor today.
my fan was relieved that i had given in.
she wanted to take me to a doc 2 weeks ago.
so after i stated my intention to go
my body decided to get better.
seriously, i have more energy now,
and less shortness of breath.
i did do some helaing work
which should have been done all along.
healing myself never seems a high priority to me.
have to work on that attitude.

health update

ok so i have been sick for a month.
short of breath, hacking and wheezing, etc.
today i woke up short of breath a few times,
nd declared that i had to see a doctor today.
my fan was relieved that i had given in.
she wanted to take me to a doc 2 weeks ago.
so after i stated my intention to go
my body decided to get better.
seriously, i have more energy now,
and less shortness of breath.
i did do some helaing work
which should have been done all along.
healing myself never seems a high priority to me.
have to work on that attitude.

air conditioning

ah the joys of climate control.
let me back up a mo.
almost a week ago the loki fan,
woried over my health,
proposed getting ac for this teeny tiny studio.
for various reasons i disagreed with her paying for it.
we aren't a couple after all,
and even if we were this is my apt.
she insisted that this would make her happy.
well eventually the rising summer temps
made her arguement for her.
yesterday we put it in and today i finished
taping up the sheeting to insulate it.
we went to wally world for the unit,
but couldn't find where they were kept.
we asked a woman in small aplliances and
she pointed to a box on her counter.
'this is the only one we have and the only one we are getting this year'

after much fiddling with her pricechecker she told us it was $80.
can you say 'wow'?
so now the studio is ac equipped and even tho
it is a very small unit
and hence would do not much in warmer climes,
it is small enough to take with when i move.
what a bargain.

can't sleep

for those who don't know, the last few weeks
i've been piling up a pond of mucous in my lungs.
i'm on antibiotics now and that pond has become twin rivers.
one flows from each lung to meet at the windpipe.
even with that i can breathe better than in weeks.
sleeping isn't something i do much of tho.

even tho i have the voice of daddy dearest in my head,
i've taken off yesterday[thursday]
and today looks to be a no go also.
i'm going to be sooooo broke but
better to lose some days and regain strength.
that's the theory anyway.

feelin a little bit guilty tho it's this
infection's fault.
the loki fan is sleeping alone a few feet from me,
and she expected some cuddling.
lord knows i enjoy cuddling but
getting up every 3 minutes to hack
out a lung is not cundusive to that.

long weekend, tho i work today

so the shy one didn't go to nevsky with me.
i took la bella instead and she likd the music
but wanted to mst3k the movie.
wish i'd brought my glases.
hard to read subtitles on the screen even squinting.
so i basically missed all the dialogue.
gonna have to rent the movie if i can find it.
the russian orthodox church declared
alexander nevsky a saint for defending russia,
both by driving out tuetonic knights and
dealing with the mongols in ways that
saved bloodshed on both sides.
sounds like some history i need to check out.

well some evidently consider me bf material.
the problem with that is i don't.
at this point in my life i can't think about that stuff.
ok, if some blonding bolt hit and i fell in love
what choice would i have right?
with that exception tho this is a time to concentrate
on geting my life on some kind of track.
i tend to subsume me when 'we' happens.
this isn't necessarily a bad thing.
shrinks may rail against codependence,
but interdependence is what a couple is about.
i wouldn't consider myself a bf without that.
otherwise it's just 2 people who like each other
somewhat and appreciate each other's bodies too.
this latter case is about all i can do right now.
this isn't a time for 'coupling'.
friends with benefits is how some describe it.
me i think of it as....
maybe 'fun partners' is the best phrase.
no commitments to only each other,
acknowledgement that future planning
would be a bit difficult at least,
but enjoying time together and not limited
to nonsexual fun like people afraid to
let others know they have desires.
hell, in some ways that makes these the truest friends of all.

comments on the the nature of love should be in next post.
i got to thinking philosophically last night
but right now i gotta go.
fundraising campaign party at work
followed by marketing calling.

from zero to hero?

ok, so i've mentioned the loki fan.
and yes fun does describe that.
then there is la bella, meeting me at rocky tomorrow.
oh and the shy one, afraid of the planet,
who gave me a convulsive and long hug
last time we said good night at her door.
she's going to the symphony with me sunday.
glad i have the inhaler now.

mental health day part 2

well that turned out to be even more
of a mental boost than i thought.
the loki fan was off work and came over.
she is definately an ego boost.
pardon me while i sing a few lines
from 'i feel pretty'
i better rein it back.
this is a small apartment after all.
don't want my ego to inflate too much.
otherwise there'll be no room for me.

a mental health day

so at work, 6 days a week, every week,
i've been doing things with the responsibility
of management without the pay or perks.
this is how it is on the road to management.
i know this.i accept this.
but i need a mental health day.
one 24 hour period without thoughts of work
or bills or shopping or 'nesting'.
i need a loki day.
it's not quite the vacation that
i really need but it will do for now.
what i will get, if lucky, is a half day
on what would normally be another 9+ hour work day.
so that's today's goal.

too late for woxy

i am writing a post for the first time
in months from my own home.
half an hour ago i was hooked up to comcast internet.
this is fantabular,but,,,this connection came
too late for one of my reasons for getting high speed.
97x, woxy oxford-cincy is off the air.
the best station on the planet no longer exists.
i was soooo looking forward to listening to them again.
it was a connection with my past
as well as the best radio around.
another thing passes awat.

on a much brighter note,
there is apperently a loki fan out there.
for now i'm not gonna go into that here.
wanna see what happens first.

and now for something completely different

this should allow comments now
so anyone can bitch back to me

glorious deskness!

yes i finally got the desk.
without the top shelf attached it fits perfectly
in my closet facing left and fitting in the short side.
so now i have an 'office'
next step: internet
calling the cable company this week
to set up time and get cost info straightened out.
have to do it after next check if they need money up front.
if they don't, then this week or next.
so glad to finally get back online at home.
surfing at work is just not the same as
surfing at home with cigs, tunes and in me undies.

dennis deyoung
music of styx
colorado symphony as back up band.
the only thing to make the night more complete would
be lots of slow intense sex afterwards

i'm so tired.
tired of whatever this is.
could i have found the most shallow
people west of the mississippi?
it certainly seems that i must have.

seems like shaking the dust of this city off
will be a very good thing.
first some things have to happen tho.
finances and security first then flight.

my bday vow is still in place.

i feel i must point out
that only a few scant moments ago
it was 4:20 on 4/20 in 20 04
assuming the same laws are in place
in the 2030s, should they just look up
birth records and throw all kids into jail
that where born at this time when
they reach 18?
doomed by numerology.
it would be redundant to name any
such child bud or mary.

ok, bed and microwave is in,
as well as a night stand and bookstand.
felt nice to sleep in a regular bed.
it is a bit firmer than i imagined tho.
reminds me a little of rose's parent's bed.
things are mostly set up the way i want now.
still need the desk so i can move the computer
into the walk in and out of the way.
the place is looking much better and more organized.

so why the worm of depression?
chemical imbalance most likely.

ok, a bit delayed but update on nest.
got a tv, vcr, and amplified attena,
so now i can watch things on a screen
larger than 4 inches and in color too.
today i should get my bed, a full size,
a desk, and a microwave.
so 'nesting' is going well.
the place seems more like a home every day.
i still miss alot of things that i will never see again,
but remaking off my life seems to be on track.

now, to get cable modem now or later?
decisions decisions.

life lesson 53
make sure that you change the locks to your home
after your ex dumps you,
but before they use their keys again.

"d'oh!"

we got the go ahead to do the marketing campaign.
what does this mean?
this means i can stay here a while longer.
i want to at least go thru to near the time i arrived
before i head off for management classes,
and onward to managing a campaign somewhere
else in the us.
besides, i have experience with CSO subscriptions,
so they need me to run the training
and early stages of the campaign.

so this means that plans to make my apartment
more of a home can be set in motion,
and my savings plan for the bug can also go forward,
since i won't be flying out again in a couple months.

and this also means my plans for geekness,
in the form of a weekly rpg, are a go.
more players are needed to round out the group tho.

well this was a weekend of strange dreams.
someone is reaching out to me.
whether that final touch is going to be
one of caring or one of cruelty.
well i guess we shall just have to wait and see.

an interesting weekend.
saturday my 4 hour shift turned into a 9 hour shift.
my check was lees than i was counting on,
but i won the exact amount it lacked on a scratch off.
then rocky but i didn't stick around.

sunday started with meeting up with eric
to give him those concert tickets,
and was treated to a rather good amoretto sour.
this was my first alchol at this altitude,
but it didn't seem to affect me so guess
i am truly fully acclimitized.

that acclimitization was put to the test later.
bill came over with happiness
then it was time to shop....
with a detour high into the mountains to share
happiness at 7500 ft on the side of a mountain.
the view was amazing and our 'perch'
was one that i could feel had seen much
respectful use.

the night ended listening to some rock-jazz fusion at
dulcenea's and sipping on a rum and coke with too much ice.
all in all a good weekend.

ok so much for my promise to myself to blog more.
alright, work update.
more hours and i got my pay raise,
also the new job title, deputy manager.
also an update on job possibilities.
IF we get the marketing campaign,
i will be assistant mgr, as many already know.
if not, then sounds like a training class
to be a manager in cali,
assuming phone interviews go alright.
won't know for a few months which
branch this road will take.
either one sounds good financially.
*deep breath*
it's the possibility of going somewhere else
this soon after being here that worries me.
soon to be defined as a few months
from now though.
this isn't tomorrow.

this is news for most people here in denver.
but as it has been weighing on my mind
and this blog is about my life
i would feel remiss not including this.

net at work but no net at home.
how strange

ah irony.
free tickets to a tatoo/piercing/metal show
on the one night when noone who
would absofuckinglutely love it
can get out of obligations.
that's right, i got tickets for a rocky night.
not only that, but one when many
of the cast will already be off
so therefore noone else can take off.
don't ya love it?
well i shall see saturday if any rocky regulars
would like to go with.

and on a sunnier note, let's update the denver file.

today is one of the 315 sunny days in a denver year.
sunny and dry is in the dictionary definition of denver,
as well as asthmatics hell
and only spot of near civilization for 500 miles in any direction.
by now i am about as acclimitized anyone
not born at such a thin atmo hieght can be.
will i get drunk on oxygen when i go somewhere
with air pressure of a measurable amount?
looking forward to that experiment.
i know my usual wimpy tolerance
is now down to almost nil.

ok, thanx to tangle and i being back in touch
the email is now correct on this thing.
all i can say is...ooopsie.

well, yesterday i turned down an $8/hr,
32 hours/week job doing research.
felt good and scary all at the same time.
why did i do this? am i making that much right now?
no, but in 2 weeks i will be making more.
what's more i will have a title and in 2 months
yet another raise and title change.
yep, assistant manager loki.
maybe even manager loki at some point.
not gl;amorous by any stretch of the imagination.
not what i wanna do for the rest of my life.
ah but being the boss instead of smiling and
nodding to whatever current idot has the title,
gotta say that has a certain appeal.

not to say that i am exactly flush atm.
rent will be late and if it wasn't for
a certain bit of aid my phone would
be off and i would be out a hundred and thirty bux,
BUT by june i'll have a car looks like.
ok, maybe july is more realistic.
i want a car that will run longer than 6 months right?

oh, and MOST did appreciate their gifts.

let's try this again
another vd passed alone.
another day of giving little gifts.
another day of getting...well, nada.

on a brighter note i am employed.
now i gotta figure out how to keep my apt.

so the job at the cso is done.
time to look for a new one.
oh, this wasn't a matter of quitting
or of getting fired for that matter.
you can only sell subscriptions so far into the season.
so time to get a new yob.[not a typo]

something to ponder.
after sending an email to the woman who made all past breakups look
tender and caring by comparison,
and asking for my stuff back,
she sent me a couple emails.
might i point out that these are the first bits of communication
from her in 2 months?
so she says she still loves me and always will.
go ahead, laugh. take your time.
the next line will be there when you regain your breath and reclimb your seat.

better? didn't hurt yourself falling onto anything? good

a part of me wants very badly to believe that.
now wipe that 'poor demented fool' look off your face!
at one time we were closer than most people ever are.
how she hid the possibility she could act this way i don't know.
but i did feel her love.
and sometimes i still do.....

anyway, she accuses me of being cold because in my letter
i wrote 'you have things of mine, other than the non material, and i want them back'
that was the entirity of that email.
i didn't write it brief for coldness.
i wrote it brief to keep myself from comments about still loving her.
hard for me not to tell her i love her ya see.

ok, so she wants my adress to mail me my stuff.
we are 30 minutes from each other on a very frequent busline
that doesn't require transfers ,
i moved 1500 miles to be with her and saw her ONE day,
and she wants to MAIL my stuff to me.
who is cold?

not so innocent kink turns 18 today.
she did amazing last night as a first time nellie.
better nells?yes. better first time? nope!
congrats on your amazingness sweetness.
as well as a more personal thanx for
a 5 minutes cramped car ride
instead of a 40 minute cold walk.

lovin my new place and furriness bein with me again.
again i have a chance to see how people feel about me.
pardon me for putting it that way
but anyone who has knowmn me a long time
knows i am insecure so that is what i notice first
when people are helpin me set up my new place.
a coworker brought me a stereo, silverware,
more dishes, and a huge pleather been bag.
this added to the list of other donations,
including some food pilfered from the shelter's
panmtry by a friend who is still there.

yesterday i got to cook for the girls and as many of
you know i love doing that for those dear to me.
burnt the bagel-improvised-garlicbread,
and the veggie version for a certain herbivore
was a bit runny but mostly it turned out well.
so nice to be able to do these simple things again
that are so important to me being me.

ok, gotta close and let someone else have this comp.
later today the bday party at paris for kink.
sounds like i started a paris bday tradition.

chez loki
monday i move into my own place.
it is a tiny studio a block from the shelter.
325/m util included, unfurnished cat allowed.
i would like to take this opp to thank the people
who have helped and are helping make this possible.
this has been a big period of changes for me
and without these wonderful people i wouldn't have made it.
pinky, ty you beautiful brit you for all your support
getting me to denver. don't think i don't
owe you some time of 'worship'
the tangled one, ty for believing in me
and keeping me eating something other than the cat.
ma tit bell francaise, bisou et merci pour ton aide a moi.
candi...thank you for what was....
down under geaty, your hrlp and belief gave me hope.
and then there is the denver crew.
known also affectionately as 'the girls',
these not-so-ladies made me feel welcomed
and let me know i would be missed if ileft
after mon raison d'etre ici let me know she would never miss me.
sweet n sour, the finder of the cat home *pinch*
innocent kink, the chauffeur to the stars *tickle*
lilly, provider of the royal bonking spot *lick*

let us not forget sweet's friend and his grandfer
that took my furry daughter in.
the teleporncaster for rides above and beyond and
an abiding love for mother nature,
and the rockyites too numerous to come up with nics for
who halped me feel at home.

damn, i must be pretty fantabular if all these
pervs and weirdos love me.

on brighter news i have now had the CEI
experience twice and this cast is....
different in a weird and good way
considering i am talking about a shadowcast
different is a major statement
they are a welcome change from
the anal retentiveness of the last cast
that i was a part of, ldod
while they are not as fine point accurate
that is never as important as the fun rating
and they have that in a bundance.
while they are only playing in a small theatre
it says something that they sold out 3 days after xmas
this is not a traditional rocky record time.
the plaza in atlanta could seat maybe twice as much
but they never came close to a sell out even on halloween

wow it has been longer than i thought

ok, it seems the candi saga is over
did she arrange a time o talk nd tell me
that it was too hard to deal with family disapproval?
did she call me top say this?
did she email or write me?
did she even pick up her phone to tell me when i called?
no, i had to have a friend call the other number, ask for her
and then switch when she answered since i can't call there.
at that point she simply said 'don't call here anymore'
even rose broke up with me better than that and she did it in a truly rotten way.

as usual aftermath is me sitting sourrounded by the echo of broken promises
and my own angsty melodrama
i do have a few questions that shall probably remain unanswered tho.
why does she still 'reach out' when she is having 'happy time'?
why is she trying to lay bad mojo on me
when i am the 'injured party' and i have never done so to her
course luckily most of what she hits me with is half formed
since she is trying to deny her talents
and do i even need to say that the 'god powered' stuff
won't hit me since me and the big guy are tight
she is still trying to hold on to a bit of me that i lent her tho and so
it does leave me with headaches sometimes.
most of that i got back tho and bit by bit the rest returns
all that will remain is the part that never comes back

well i am behind on blogging again.
last saturday my new and very sweet
friends i met thru rocky online
thru me what they called
a halfassed bday party.
no cake but coffee, cigs and great conversation
and lots of hugs and love.
talk about a boost.

my cat care problem has also been taken care pof i think.
the sweet one has found a friend
to look after kitterina for a couple weeks.
the sweet one is not to be confused with the sugar supplier.
different person and no we aren't dating.
she also will be getting me a book as a belated
bday gift since she works in a bookstore.

by next patcheck i may have someplace.
i called and checked on some efficiences.
360/mont furnished all utilities included.
that's something i can swing on my own
so therefore i won't be dependent
on anyone else keeping up
their side of any deals in order to stay indoors.

must stop refferring to myself in the third person.
had to cut off one of those comments just then.

well no news on the love front
which in a way is news itself.
i am trying to give her time.
it is very hard for me.
when i am in a relationship
i usually need contact of some kind
at least a few times a week.
this relationship was usually
most hours we could talk we would be
and if i didn't contact her for a few hours
she would contact me.
going cold turkey from that now that we
are in the same calling area effect me
in ways that go beyond the emotional attachment side.
she was a part of my day.
that has made this move much more
disorienting than going to europe was.
this is much more a foreign land than france
because the biggest part of my day to day life
is not part of it anymore.
that effects me more than the shelter.
i've been there before.
more than being without kit.
she stayed at home when i had my euro tour.
i am afraid that this aspect of the seperation
is making me overreact to everything.


ok enough melodrama for today.
this is a good news day.
kit will be ok and i will have money tomorrow after work.
mmm, chinese food saturday?
if not then definately sunday.

well another year another bday.
this one spent in a shelter.
this one without a certain someone calling.
the full details of how she is turning her back
on what god has given her [not just me]
are maybe a bit too much for the public blog.
suffice it to say that this is more tragic
than even our tale of love flushed down the toilet.

ok enough about that.
on to other bday reflections.
last year i had a job, a home, and what
now seems like a trememndous amount
of memory charged stuff.
this year i have a shit job, no home
and little enough stuff that i can carry
all of it at least a half a block at a time.

2 years ago i was still hopeful i hadn't been
burned by some one i gave my heart to.
this year..well history repeats itself.
some lessons i may not be able to learn.
some lessons if i learn them i won't
have excuses to not jump in front of a bus.
love...well it's what i need.
everything else is just a frame for the picture.
atm that frame is crap but the picture is missing
so that doesn't make much difference does it?

but let's talk about the frame.
i lost some of my forward momentum
but not all.
working fulltime i am less avid
about the job search.
this doesn't mean i have stopped however.
in fact i will be making more calls
and a couple trips today to that end.
this job even at 37 hours/week
is not nearly enough to get me where i want to go.
knowing that ky has released my right to get
a licence is definately a motivater.
get a decent job and in a few short months
i could not only have an apartment i like
but also once more be a driver.
this time i will be veryveryvery careful
not to fuck that up.
living a carless or scared to drive life
has been sooooo not fun.
besides once i get that taken care of'
it opens up so many other doors
heading in the 'life i want' direction.

and time to stop reflecting and startdoing.
gotta make those calls.

is love located in the y chromosone?
i am beginning to think so
or at least the full portion is only located there
now if only i could be interested in men.
this getting betrayed is really getting old
what makes it worse is abandoned for the sake of those
who have only condemnation for her.
she throws love away for the sake
of those who browbeat her, will never respect her,
and do their utmost to make her feel like crap.
those type of people are what i've spent years
stripping from my life.
pardon me if this sounds a bit like tst.
i learned to cook, sew, clean, etc
so that i would never have to depend on anyone else
to do those things for me. i have accepted help
thru my financial problems, BUT within 3 days
of arriving here i started working.
a lack of wanting to work was never the issue.
all i need from anyone is love and respect
and anyone who can't give me both those things
has no place in my life.
now for love i am here but the one
who has my heart turns from me
to those who give her condemnation and disrespect.
i pray for her sake she learns how
wrong that choice is
but by then....*sigh* but by then.......

after all was said and done as the glrls were leaving paris they all gave me hugs
that simple touch showing acceptance and caring still rings loud in my starved heart